Bill Gates - Heaven or Hell



Bill Gates died in a car accident and found himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.



to all those who hate microsoft for introducing demos!!!

If Restaurants Were Like Microsoft Software

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A soup bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.


Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.


Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

[COLOR="Red"]HIDDEN MICROSOFT SETTINGS...ONES YOU NEVER KNEW!!!![/COLOR] :icon_worshippy:

Murphy's laws (and others!!!)--


Original Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

The Murphy Philosophy: Smile ... tomorrow will be worse.

Murphy's Constant: Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.


A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's forget the whole thing".
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears this is true.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Everyone lies, but it doesn't matter, since nobody listens.
Everything depends. Nothing is always. Everything is something.
Everything takes longer than you think.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Forgive and remember.
If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in the worst possible sequence.
If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If there is a worst time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
If you are given an open-book exam, that is the day you will forget your book. But, if you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
If you wait it will go away. If it was bad, it'll come back.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
Indecision is the basis for flexibility.
In order for something to come clean, something else must get dirty.
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Mother nature is a bitch.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Never create a problem for which you don't have the answer.
Never draw what you can copy.
Never copy what you can trace.
Never trace what you can cut and paste.
No matter how long you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale cheaper the next day.
No matter what goes wrong, there is always someone who knew it would.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Nothing is ever done for the right reason.
Nothing is ever so bad, that it can't get worse.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune times.
The best things in the world are free -- and worth every penny of it.
The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the letter.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
The item you had your eye on the minute you walk in will be taken by the person in front of you.
The longer you stand in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
The probability of anything going wrong is in inverse proportion to its desirability.
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake it, you've got it made.
The slowest checker is always at the quick check out lane.
The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage.
The writer will find the typos after the letter is mailed.
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
When somebody drops something, everyone will kick it around instead of picking it up.
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will need them an hour later.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
You always find something the last place you look. (Boob's Law)
You can always find what you're not looking for.
You can't win them all, but you sure can lose them all.

Murphy's Love and Sex Laws!!!!

A man in the house is worth two in the street.
All the good ones are taken.
Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (See #2.)
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
Nice guys (or girls) finish last.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Nothing improves with age.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Sex has no calories.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sex is like snow. You never know how much you're going to get or how long it is going to last.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

DOS vs. Windows, a Technical Comparison

COS COSRUN RUNDOSRUN
C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO CCCRAWL

Snappy Comebacks to the Age-Old Question
Why Aren't You Married Yet?


You haven't asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
What? And spoil my great sex life?
Nobody would believe me in white.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren't you thin?
I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

And, if all else fails: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!!!!!!!!!!!

Sherlock Holmes Mystery



Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars," Watson replied.

"What does that tell you?" Holmes inquired.

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Fancy yourself the equal of Sherlock Holmes? Consider the story Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, told on himself.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris, when a taxi pulled up. He placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat.

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?", asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he knew him by sight.

"No, sir, I have never seen you before."

The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Arthur Conan Doyle.

"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand to which people who return from Marseilles always come. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart of Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

[SIZE="5"]Top Secret, Windows 95 Source Code[/SIZE]


for all C++ lovers out there! i'm not good at it though.

Subject: Top Secret Microsoft Source Code
Project: Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity
library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship_another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
{

make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking);
/* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days,"
we're just testing"); break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your
sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatiful_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)

dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and
they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon,
make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}

for MS98 they came out with a new keyboard to help users...lets see...

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. (Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.) In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun!

GPF key. This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

$$ key. When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

ZD key. This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed, it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows, within the file being edited.

MS key. This key runs a Microsoft commercial, entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones," in a 1" x 1" window.

FUD key. Something to do with the display ... Self explanatory.

Chicago key. Generates "do nothing" loops, for months at a time.

Netscape/IBM key. Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.

MSN key. With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 98!

RW98 key. Stands for Reinstall Windows 98. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 98 users, why not make it easier?

Fdisk key. Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.

Noah's Ark


And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer.

Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "government already has."

Little Boy's Prayer


A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so amused and touched that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, thinking this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God. It read:

[COLOR="DarkRed"][SIZE="3"]The Ant and the Grasshopper[/SIZE][/COLOR]


The Original Version
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

The New Liberal Version
It starts out the same, but when winter comes, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up and provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to film of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (The National Association for the Advancement of Green Bugs) shows up on NightLine and charges the ant with "Green Bias" and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

George Bush makes a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as George refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's." Richard Gephardt exclaims, in an interview with Peter Jennings, that the Ant has gotten rich off the "back of the grasshopper," and calls for an immediate tax hike on the Ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. George hires a federal law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant. The case is tried before a panel of federal judges that George appointed, from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday afternoon between 1:30 and 3:00 PM, when there are no talk shows scheduled.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in - which just happens to be the ant's old house - crumbles around him, since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing George Bush standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats, announcing that a new era of "Fairness" has dawned in America.

Bus Load of Politicians

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road. Suddenly, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree, in a farmer's field. The farmer investigated, then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the farmer, "Were they all dead?" The farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those politicians lie."