[COLOR="SeaGreen"][SIZE="6"]Ok guys im here and im starting a very own jokes thread where i will post as many jokes as i can for the entertainment of you all!!![/SIZE][/COLOR]
Enjoy darlings, may god bless you!!!!
Peace Talks...
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for a round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking and after about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton on the face.
Confused, Clinton carries on talking, as Saddam falls about laughing. A few minutes later the second button is pressed, and this time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again, Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later, he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Stop this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton says through tears of laughter... "What Baghdad?"
BILL "PEARLY" GATES
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replied, "well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling peoples' pain." God thinks for a second and says, "okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Bill Gates; "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."
HOW DO THEY MANAGE?
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they get their ladders and tape measures and go out to the flagpole. Attempting to measure this flagpole was turning out to be a much more difficult task than any of them had imagined; what with them falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures and so on, the whole thing had just turned into a total mess.
After a while, an engineer happens along and sees what they are attempting to do. She walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, and lays it flat on the ground. She measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away without saying a word.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs as he's shaking his head. "Now that's just like an engineer! We're looking for the height and she gives us the length!"
HEIGHTS !!!
HEIGHT OF REPETITION : You forwarding a mail to someone and receiving the same mail forwarded from him to you.
HEIGHT OF ISOLATION : Two persons sitting side by side using mails to communicate with each other.
HEIGHT OF COWARDNESS : Two persons fighting through mails.
HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS : You receiving no mails for a week.
HEIGHT OF IDLENESS : A person using mailtool all the time.
HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION : The mail server being down.
HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS : Writing a intimate one and doing a reply all.
HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT : A person sending the mail to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.
HEIGHT OF HEIGHTS : A person sending a mail to himself.
Talking Parrots
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bible away. Our prayers have been answered!"
PRESIDENTIAL ASSETS
The wives of three presidents and a prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called in their native languages.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain because it goes down after the act.
Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor because it goes from mouth to mouth.
My favourite!!!!!!!
The Little Mermaid
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
The Corporate Ladder
* When Development Engineers go out together on a week-end they talk about football.
* When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis.
* Wen Top management are in meetings, they discusses golf.
CONCLUSION : The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
Ten Dollahs
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that aihplane." and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!
Software can do Funny Things !!
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
PUZZLED PARROT
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?
Zipper!!!
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES OF MANAGEMENT CONSULTANTS
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus.It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask.
"Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too."
"How's that?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"
"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."
Marriage , really that BAD ?
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one women said to another, " Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger ?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then He is really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the women gets her mater's.
A little boy ask his father, " Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" and the father replied, " I don't know, son, I still paying for it."
Then there was a man who said, " I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why ?
Married lift is very frustrating.
In the 1st year of marriage, the man speaks and the women listens.
In the 2nd year of marriage, the women speaks and the man listens.
In the 3rd year of marriage, the both speaks, and the neighbours listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job,he still ends with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ed' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend, " It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
" And what was he before you married him ?" Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
AND THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!
When a man opens the door of this car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife!!!!!!
Thanks and regards,
A Married Man
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