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Moses in Egypt


Moses was sitting in Egypt and brooding, how terrible things were. The Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him. The overseers were even more irritable than usual. And so on ... He was about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:

"You, Moses! Heed me! I have good news and bad news."
Moses was staggered. The voice continued:

You, Moses, will lead the people of Israel from bondage. If the Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs.

You, Moses, will lead the people of Israel to the Promised Land. If the Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of locusts.

You, Moses, will lead the people to freedom and safety. If the Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land.

Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's ... that's fantastic. I can't believe it! ... But what's the bad news?"


You, Moses, must write the environmental impact statement.

Which Bank Should I Rob?


This is a true story out of San Francisco:

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It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote:

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmised from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor.
She told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip, that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.

Okay, Now I Believe You


True story from Colorado Springs:


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This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted, behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him, because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Rabbit's Thesis


One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox sneaked up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.

"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out. A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!", yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick -- in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions."

So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole and never came out. The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis ... The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story:

[COLOR="Red"][SIZE="5"]The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

Two Engineering Students


Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey - nice bike! Where did you get it?"


"Well," replies the other. "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young, coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says, "You can have anything you want!"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[COLOR="Blue"]Exam Antics
50 Fun Things to Do in a Final That Doesn't Matter[/COLOR]


[list=1]
[*]Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say, "Oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

[*]Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

[*]If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

[*]Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

[*]Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm sooo sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

[*]Bring cheerleaders.

[*]Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the heck are you? Where's the regular guy?"

[*]Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. ...). Play with the volume at max level.

[*]On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

[*]Bring pets.

[*]Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

[*]Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out, "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

[*]Do the exam with crayons, paint or fluorescent markers.

[*]Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head and nothing else.

[*]Come down with a bad case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

[*]Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

[*]Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

[*]As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

[*]Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

[*]Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

[*]Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

[*]Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc. ...).

[*]Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

[*]Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out, "%$#@ this!" and walk out triumphantly.

[*]Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e., threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).

[*]Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

[*]Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. Duh!"

[*]Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

[*]Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the phantom of the opera," until they drag you away.

[*]Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

[*]Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say, "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

[*]Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

[*]From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

[*]Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

[*]If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

[*]Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

[*]Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

[*]Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious ... like history notes for a calculus exam ... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment, "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

[*]When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

[*]After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

[*]One word: Wrestlemania.

[*]Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

[*]Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

[*]Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

[*]Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

[*]Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

[*]During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

[*]Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

[*]Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say, "It helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase, "Told you so."

[*]Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks."
[/list:o]

Breach of Contract


There was a gate separating Heaven and Hell, which was made of chrome steel. Sometimes the flames of Hell got so hot that they melted the gate, necessitating a replacement gate.

God and the Devil made a contract concerning this. It was only fair, they agreed, that each take turns replacing the steel gate, every time it melted.

So, one day in eternity, the flames got too hot and melted the gate. St. Peter noticed it this time and he called to Lucifer.

"Hey Lucifer! Isn't it your turn this time?" Peter said.

"Yeah, but my people are too busy roasting in Hell, so what the *!*&^@#$ do you want me to do about it?" Lucifer responded rather smarmily.

"I want you to replace the gate. We did so last time," Peter reminded him.

"I know. But I'm not so inclined, so stuff it!" Lucifer sneered.

"OK, since you want to be that way, we'll have to sue for breach of contract," Peter said. And Lucifer responded, "Yeah, right, and just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

Lawyers and Light Bulbs - A Contract


How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

[list]
[*]The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

[*]Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

[*]Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
[/list:u]

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

The Farmer and the Pig


A farmer walked into a bar with his pig and ordered a drink. The bartender could not help asking the man why his pig had a peg leg. "Well, you see," said the farmer, "this is an amazing pig. Why, two years ago, my son was chopping wood in the field when a tree collapsed on him, pinning him to the ground and making breathing difficult. The pig, which was in the area, ran to get assistance and, squealing loudly, led us to my son to rescue him."
"You're right, that is an amazing story. But why does your pig have a peg leg?"

This is no ordinary pig," the farmer continued. "One night while we were sleeping, our barn caught fire and the pig managed to squeeze through a little hole in the wall and circle our house, squealing as loud as it could to wake us up. We were able to save all of the animals."

"Wow. Incredible. But why does the pig have a peg leg?"

"Wait. Once, our home caught on fire. The pig managed to run to the next house over and wake the neighbors, who were able to save us and help put out the fire."

"OK. OK. The pig is amazing. But why the peg leg?" the bartender demanded.

"An amazing pig like this. You can't eat it all at once."

Cat Rules


If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!

Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with your own.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.

For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.

Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2:00 and 4:00 A.M.

What Not to Name Your Dog


Everybody who has a dog names him "Rover" or "Spot". I named mine "Sex." Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to renew his dog license, I told the clerk, "I would like a license for Sex." He said, "I'd like to have one too!" I said, "But this is a dog." He said, "I don't care what she looks like." I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me, too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But, you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a showoff.

When my wife and I divorced, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me, too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex disappeared. He said, "I know."

Last night Sex ran off again! I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said I was looking for Sex.

[CENTER]My case comes up Friday. [/CENTER]

Training a Parrot


Larry received a gift of a fully grown parrot, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Larry tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try to set a good example ... Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Larry put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments, he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming ... then, suddenly there was quiet. Larry was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto his extended arm and said:

I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endevor to correct my behavior.

Larry was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change, when the parrot continued,

May I ask what the chicken did?

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art


Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality, when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce, "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider, as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

[list]
[*]Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

[*]Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

[*]Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

[*]Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

[*]Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

[*]Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The National Record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

[*]Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined.

[*]In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
[/list:u]

In a few days, the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

Smart Dog at the Butcher


A butcher is working and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. It reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please?" The butcher looks and notices, to his amazement, that the dog has a $10 bill in his mouth. So, the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed. Because it's closing time, he closes the shop and follows the dog. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe. The dog checks out the times and sits on one of the seats, to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again, the dog looks at the number, notices it's the right bus and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run and throws himself -whap- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall and walks along the perimeter of the garden.

He gets to a window and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Psychic Frog

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says his advisor, "in her biology class."